Social Taboos of Twitter and Facebook

When you combine all the tweets from all your friends on twitter and all the status updates, and news feed items on facebook, and all the photo streams on flickr you end up with an awareness of their daily goings on that heretofore you wouldn’t have. That’s called “Ambient Awareness“, and plenty of smart people have speculated on the way it’s changing our intimate relationships. I love knowing that my mom gets my twitter updates, or that my friends upload pictures of vacations. We all do. That’s why we’re online. But with the ubiquity of facebook comes new social morays worth examining.

Picture this: I’m out at a meetup/conference/panel discussion/lunch, schmoozing and glad handing. After the appropriate hob-nobbery, I trade cards with all those involved. Later that night, I receive a facebook invite: Accepted! Facebook is the new Rolodex, haven’t you heard? Now I’m receiving new friend feeds. Suddenly, I’m aware of all sorts of personal information about a near stranger*. What happens the next time we run into each other? Do I mention I saw that he had a kid? Probably. Do I ask him how that sauerkraut sandwich was that he twittered about having for lunch? Probably not. But where is the line drawn? What’s taboo to admit you know?

We’re faced with the idea that “cyber stalking” is a predatory practice. No one wants to be a “lurker” . Listen: it’s OK to be curious your co-workers and peers. Some might call that “due diligence”. Likewise for old friends from high school. You don’t need to call them up to find out they got knocked up. That’s why these sites are popular. I love knowing that people I grew up with are doing OK, but no, I don’t want to talk about the minutiae of everything that’s happened since we last spoke. Especially if that was on graduation day. Maybe that makes me a lazy friend? OK. It does. But still, I’d rather know, than not, and I don’t see you picking up the phone to catch up, do I?* The point is, if you don’t want me to know, don’t post about it.

So, if we’re friends on facebook and you’ve posted info online: assume I know it. Don’t act like I’m a weirdo. You put it up there. Let’s just accept that people are going to know things without you explicitly telling them and move on. Pretending you don’t know something because you’re embarrassed that you found out about it on facebook doesn’t help anything. And that’s the whole point. I know more about you; so let’s cut the chit-chat and have better conversations.

What do you think? Is this too forward? Have been in similar situations?

P.S. I saw the pictures from last weekend. What were you thinking?

* Now, this is Hollywood, so standards are different than if I were, say, an Accountant. I’m not worried about drunken photos surfacing, because my boss has drunken photos on his facebook. Part of the job is going to parties (that’s why we’re all dead inside).

**Things have been busy for both of us, I understand.